Just in time for Father’s Day

Tim,

I would have thought this was one of the key observations:

A common thread among those postponing marriage is resistance to settling for less than the ideal.

As those of us who are married know, in one sense the notion of “the ideal” is a myth. Where it does exist, it’s the product of adaptation and self-sacrifice over time.

It’s interesting that no one seems to have a problem with promoting those values in a work context; why the reluctance to do so in a more human setting? (That’s a largely rhetorical question, just in case readers were in doubt.)

Jeremy you raise a good point about “work.”  People seem able to summon up all kinds of values in the work place, but can’t apply them to family, the church, etc.  Like the very successful business person who forgets to show up as a lector (or doesn’t look at the lessons in advance and reads them poorly). 

We sing “Seek ye first the kingdom of God” as a kind of crypto-charismatic feel good anthem, without getting at what Jesus meant by it.

One wonders how the quoted people parent.  I mean, how do you apply some of the self-centered, rational statements with the demands and messiness of raising kids?  My suspicion is that the stuff won’t hit the fan until these kids get old enough to start differentiating.  Likely to see a tide of really angry and rootless teenagers off of this model.

Then there’s this, which indicates that the choice between relationship and career or other goals isn’t necessary if one simply seeks out a partner with complementary goals and values.

As a resident “singleton” I’d like to raise a cry of defense, though.

1) People don’t want the miseries of marriage for what looks like very little reward. I know that that sounds selfish, but—to use the work analogy again—I don’t go choosing jobs I know I’m not going to like either! Why would we do the same about marriage?

Jeremy, it’s true that one never finds “the perfect work.” But frankly, I think people settle far too much in their jobs as well. We’re choosing security and a regular paycheck over calling.  I don’t know that I want that attitude applied to marriage!

2) I suspect that much of the cry for marriage from Christians is *really* in part a cry for the children who are spawned from non-married sexual activity. But shouldn’t our cry really be for abstinence? Why are we hoping for people to get married once they’ve made the mistake of having Yet Another One-Night Stand with Yet Another Male?  My suspicion is that if one’s daughter were busy er . . . sowing wild oats . . . the very last thing we’d want her to do is run out and get married to the first buffoon or the second buffoon with whom she has sex. No, rather, we’d wonder what we’d done wrong in raising a sexually active daughter.

The truth is . . . people are out having sex—lots and lots and lots of it—and they’re having sex with people who in no way should be spouses or husbands because they’re not yet out of the playpen, from a maturity standpoint.

3) Many of the marriages I observe seem to me to be largely deeply unhappy. Now—being a Christian, I am committed to marriage [for others—heh! just kidding . . . ] no seriously, the truth is there just aren’t a whole lot of shining examples of good and healthy marriages out there for people to emulate—fewer and fewer as the years go by. Too often I even see Christian couples pronouncing about how people should be getting married and I often wonder . . . “do you really think that single people who are not Christians would look at your marriage and say ‘yes, that’s what I want in my life.’?”  Often, single pagans look at marriages and say “goodness, that’s the very last thing I want!”

The single life should be held in high honor and even encouraged if we read the NT correctly.  We are not LDS - there is not a Christian obligation to marry and make bodies for souls to inhabit.  Nor should we (and I think this especially weighs on women) have to get married and have kids because mom & dad want to be grandparents.  Christianity is not filial piety, either.

I agree, the Christian emphasis should be on sexual abstinence - on the devotion of our lives to God.  Abstinence in single life, fidelity in marriage.

My main problem with the article was the emphasis on having kids as an exercise in personal something or other.  That attitude in and of itself sets up poor parenting. 

When it comes to single folks who adopt in order to provide homes for kids, sure, it helps, but as we often argue when it comes to LGBT&c stuff, the best setting for a kid is with a dad & mom wherever possible.

As far as “unhappy marriages,”  marriages go through seasons .  The couple just off on honeymoom is generally happy in a way that won’t always be present - but won’t disappear forever either.  When I offer premarital counseling, I try to get across that “loving and cherishing” will take different forms over the years - they will have to .  And there can be seasons of unhappiness, anger, dissatisfaction - all of which is assumed by Jesus teaching on constant forgiveness and Paul’s description of love in I Corinthians 13.

So along with encouraging abstinence for the single, the church needs to encourage endurance, forgiveness and other profound demonstations of committed love by the married.