Solution To Dwindling ECUSA Numbers?

Counting the dead to make the numbers look better. Perhaps they could also be registered to vote.

Is it April 1st already?  This is a joke, right?

Hmmm… Lazarus Long, yes, I have heard of one such person. I was not aware he is an Episcopalian. Very interesting!

I wonder if Robert A. Heinlein is also (under this instant resolution) an Episcopalian also.

Great, the numbers will sore without any increase in the carbon footprint, because Episcopalians are so smart they can multiply without any of that nasty breeding going on, wonderful solution.  :o)

I think we’re also missing out by not including anyone who watches one of our bishops go floating by in a gay pride parade.  Also, anti war protestors, and everyone who listensd to NPR.  Don’t leave all them out.

“I think we’re also missing out by not including anyone who watches one of our bishops go floating by in a gay pride parade.”

Very good one - NB&S;!

A much easier solution to help TEC would be to consider indulgences to pray people into the church. Solves two problems easily - attendance and finances.

I wonder if Robert A. Heinlein is also (under this instant resolution) an Episcopalian also.

Surely pantheistic multiple-ego solipsism isn’t too many resolutions away?

I like the Gay Pride Parade idea.  One woudl assume they are all Episcopalians.

Looking for Leaders—of COURSE they are all Episcopalians.  After all, we were told that once we consecrated Gene Robinson, they’d coming flocking to us like the swallows to Capistrano.

Huh, why stop there?  Why not count all the Episcopalians who have ever lived, period?  Why not count all the chipmunks, and worms in the graveyard?  Why not count everyone who ever showed up on a Church register.  Ever?

Truthfully, I’d have no problem with this counting, as long as they added the grateful dead in to every census retroactively back to 1776.  That way it wouldn’t muss up the numbers of folks leaving.

This is hilarious, I must admit….KTF!..mrb

My suggestion to maintaining ECUSA Numbers? One way labyrinths that end in the middle.

Episcopalians check in—but they don’t check out!

I call it the Bp. Walter Dennis design.

; - )

Personally, I’m all for this.  As long as those saints triumphant actually get voice and vote in conventions.

Episcopalians check in—but they don’t check out!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, so April Fool’s came a bit early.

If you are going to count the dead, you have to include the unborn which gives them status as full members in the fellowship of Christ. God knows them all by name and the color of their eyes.

Wow, we’re in good shape then… We’ve been around since 1754 (establishment), and in the same building since 1769. We are surrounded by a graveyard, our numbers just rose like a rocket.. 

Grannie Gloria in SC

Makes eminent sense. After all, we keep saying “we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses”, and we sing of the “Church victorious”. As long as they are eligible for elecion as Convention delegates, I would say count them!

This sort of number inflation by TEO may be useful in measuring ancillary or mission activities, but to include it in membership numbers is analogous to click fraud in Internet advertising. It inflates the numbers to allow the leadership to claim a false prestige.

If you are going to count the dead, you have to include the unborn…

Can’t.  Remember, The Episcopal Church says they don’t count.  Just a choice… like Pepsi or Coke.

Wanting to claim false prestige is why the left hijacked the TEO in the first place.

Here’s another attempt to increase that may backfire:
http://www.virtueonline.org/portal/modules/news/article.php?storyid=10167

to increase *attendance and numbers*, that is…

Our inclusive theology requires us, for sake of fiduciary responsibility, and in respect of our baptismal covenant, to honour the “future generations of Episcopalians.”  At the moment, it is primarily our Legal Ministries who have been listeningly attentive of this call.

A narrow focus on ministry regarding departed brothers and sisters, and that particular group of persons who happen to be walking the earth at this present moment, is unnecessarily exclusive, and denies the future baptismal covenants of all the future generations of Episcopalians.

With the development of our theology of the baptismal covenant, it is also more than likely that the rights accruing to the baptized will be extended to all; and that some day, we will proudly drop our restrictive vision of this group of “the baptized,” considering all of humanity to share these rights in our inclusive love and fellowship.

May it further be noted that the practice of producing petty statistical data regarding those precious souls partaking in our redemptive ministry stems from a time when intolerance, exclusion, and compulsive dogmatism reigned in our Church - and the few kind and loving ones amongst us were so profoundly marginalized, that only a few oblique traces of their inclusive vision can be found in our current Prayer Book.  We therefore encourage all truly inclusive churches to provide a simple answer to next year’s requirement of providing a statistic regarding Average Sunday Attendance: simply write the number eight, lying on its side - our infinite vision, our infinite mission field.

It’s a good start, but I really don’t think it goes far enough. So, in the spirit of prophetic witness and radical inclusiveness, I’d like to offer the following ammendment to this resolution:

Resolved, that all Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal members of a parish or diocese shall have the opportunity for full inclusion in the life of the Church and all sacraments and responsibilities of the Church shall be available to them:
<ul>

<li>  1) Pledging - the Canon of the Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal shall prayerfully, and with guidance from the Church’s Executive Council, determine the desires of all buried members to continue to support the mission and witness of the Episcopal Church by donating jewelry and other valuables that may have been interred with them. The Denis Canon clearly states that all interred grave goods are held in trust for the Episcopal Church.

  Each diocese shall develop a “Rite of Disinterrment” that will allow for the harvesting of these goods in a loving and joyful setting. Dioceses should be careful to avoid hateful, divisive and thanatophobic terms such as “looting” and “grave robbery” when developing these rites.
</li>

<li>  2) Marriage - We recognize that sexuality is a gift from God, and an outward sign of His/Her love and grace. Many currently “living” members may feel called to express their sexuality through a long, committed physical relationship with Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal (LGBT) members.

  Each diocese shall develop a “Rite of Intermortal Blessing” that will allow for the blessing of these committed relationships. Dioceses should be careful to avoid hateful, divisive and thanatophobic terms such as “necrophilia” when developing these rites.</li>
</ul>

I think Stewie on “Family Guy” is Episcopalian.  Don’t forget him.

And since we have intercommunion now with Lutherans and Buddhists, we can count those who live locally near an Episcopal parish as members, even if they don’t know it.  We’ll need a second (& maybe a third) Canon for this:  one for extraneous-Christian Episcopalians, one for non-Christian Episcopalians.

Today’s “Moment of Zen” Koan:  What is the sound of one Episcopalian leaving?

RNW+

this is a joke, right?...

Amazed&Graced;- We will require clarification of the question. 
1)  Are you asking if ECUSA is a joke?  If so the answer is yes.
2)  Are you asking if the post represents one Anglican’s attempt to lift the burden of the conservative Anglicans who are struggling to bring some glimmer of the gospel to those still within the parishes?  Yes, it is.
Now, isn’t it a crying shame that one had to ask?

An easy way for Episcopalians to boost their membership is to count all the gravesite occupants at Arlington National Cemetery in their ASA. Robert E. Lee’s wife (an Episcopalian) owned that land until it was confiscated by the Federal Government during the War of Northern Aggression.  Since the Episcopal Church owns in perpetuity everything ever possessed by an Episcopalian, those dead soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines overlooking the Potomac and waiting patiently for the day the trumpet shall sound are now being served by the Episcopal Church.

I guess they could also re-baptize all the dead as Episcopalians, but the Mormons beat them to it.

I just checked Snoopes and they said this was not true since there were no longer any Episcopalians left.  Seems the Unitarians are counting all of them in their statistics now.

“I am Necropalian”

[32] LOL… but I imagine it does make for <strike>another</strike> creepy website.

; - )

The Episcopal Church Exhumes You!

You can leave your brain at the door - if you like.

#34 Bestest, Most LOLest, Most Sarcastical. Most Roadside-Sign-Worthy Comment ever!!!

The classic church-growth essay along this line is William Willimon’s “My Dog, the Methodist” from 1986 (unfortunately not available online). To differentiate Episcopalians from the unwashed, however, I suggest they start counting <a >Episcocats</a>.

Stephen ((#37), it is true that Willimon’s classic article, “My Dog, the Methodist” is not available online.  However there is another whimsical article by Willimon here: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1058/is_n13_v111/ai_15177809 in which he reflects on “My Dog, the Methodist” and expresses thoughts much in the same vein.

Robert Munday+

New church titles:
‘Practical Necromancy’
‘Bodyshop Manual’
‘Pledging for Cadavers’
‘Why cremation is sinful’

-live from the Necropolis

“...friends of the church who live elsewhere…”

But “where” elsewhere are they residing?

Oh, wait!  Not important.  Who cares.  All is Well™.

Dean Munday (#38)—thanks for pointing us to that great article.

So the Episcopal Church is just like the Hotel California where you can check out any time you like—but you can never leave.

#34 Pageantmaster:  If I may offer a small amendment to your brilliant new church slogan—

The Episcopal Church Exhumes You
And we Get to Keep What We Find.

KTF…mrb

Each Diocese shall amend their Constitutions to allow the Canon of the Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal to represent all those who have gone before us, including having a full vote equal to the number of Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal members of a parish or diocese, in all affairs of that parish or diocese. The Canon shall, with prayer, and with guidance from the Church’s Executive Council, cast all such votes.

There’s the sucker punch.  After you die, we take your vote and use it to our own ends… Muahahahahaha

Guess I should’ve said I WISH this was a joke. I don’t want them to vote for me. I left for a REASON…

Just goes to prove truth IS strager than fiction…

My parish has daily masses, twice on Tuesday and Saturday and twice on major holy days.  If we included those in our ASA we’d be 275 or 300 instead of 200.  Let’s get better.  Twice a month we serve breakfast to the community, largely attended by the homeless - average number of guests is 200.  Once a month we prepare and serve lunch at an outpatient clinic at the county hospital - average number of guests is 100.  We host 12 twelve twelve step programs throughout the week.  I have no idea the total attendance but it must be at least 6 or 700.  My computational skills are not good enough to add this up but you get the idea.  By the standards to be presented to general convention we could easily claim an ASA of 1.000.  I don’t know what the sponsors of this nonsense have in mind but it’s one more example of why I dread the onsets of general convention.  James Kennish

Methinks April Fool’s Day came early on this one:

allow the Presiding Bishop to establish in each Diocese a Canon of the Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal

“Late, Gone, Buried and Transmortal” ... LGBT.

Well done!