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[Bumped] The Revisionist Dictionary - Part I

Monday, January 19, 2009 • 1:54 pm

Whether guarding a Little Stone Bridge or held hostage by the man behind the curtain, this is a must read.  The Revisionist Dictionary takes the mystery out of the metaphorical language of the Revisionists.  Sure to be a classic.

Bravo, Irenaeus, Bravo!!!


[So many revisionists are unable to resist reading and commenting here that we need to re-post the dictionary that helps explain their language and definitions for the other Episcopalians and Anglicans on this blog, along with the bemused Christians from other denominations who read.]

The Revisionist Dictionary

By Irenaeus

First Edition—August 2007

PREFACE

This dictionary seeks to shed light on current debates in the U.S. Episcopal Church and the worldwide Anglican Communion by exploring the foibles of Anglican Progressives (also known as reappraisers, revisionists, and theological liberals). Progressives’ Orthodox opponents (also known as reasserters and theological conservatives) have many foibles of their own. But Progressives’ foibles need attention more urgently. Progressives have long been better organized than the Orthodox, are ascendant in most rich-country Anglican churches, and now control most levers of power in the U.S. Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada. Progressives have largely set the terms of current debates, often in ways that mask their agenda and keep the Orthodox on the defensive.

In satirizing Progressive language and Progressives’ putative view of Anglican concepts and institutions, this dictionary seeks to illuminate the Progressive ethos and to suggest the possible consequences of Progressive terminology, tactics, and thinking. Fortunately, real-life Progressives don’t necessarily hold the extreme views caricatured here. Many, for example, disapprove of Progressive bishops’ harsh treatment of Orthodox clergy and congregations. Yet both sides need to pay closer attention to what Progressive terminology denotes and connotes. Such is human frailty that yesterday’s parody can become tomorrow’s reality. Better to satirize it than simply let it happen.

________________________________________

This dictionary uses the capitalized words “Orthodox” and “Progressive” in a specialized sense:

—- ORTHODOX denotes theologically conservative persons and views in the context of the U.S. Episcopal Church and the broader world of Anglican Christianity; it does not refer to Eastern Orthodox Christianity. Synonym: Reasserter. When uncapitalized, “orthodox” denotes conforming to established Christian doctrine.

—- PROGRESSIVE denotes theologically liberal persons and views in the context of the U.S. Episcopal Church and the broader Anglican world. Synonyms: Reappraiser; Revisionist.

Asterisks denote words defined elsewhere in this dictionary, as do cross-references like “See” and “See also.”

________________________________________

20/20 VISION: Plan adopted in 2000 to double the Episcopal Church’s average Sunday attendance by 2020. As of 2005, attendance had fallen 8% from its 2000 level. At this rate of decline, attendance will have fallen 28% by 2020.

815: Affectionate nickname for the Episcopal Church Center, 815 Second Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10017. Mainspring and heart of the church. Efficient cornucopia of resources for apologetics*, parish ministry, evangelism, and litigation. Located one block from United Nations Headquarters to facilitate sharing the Episcopal Church’s insights with world governments. Has New Age bookstore and penthouse apartment for presiding bishop. “815 has spoken; the case is closed.”

ABANDON COMMUNION: Short for “abandoning the communion of this Church.” An Orthodox priest abandons the communion of the Episcopal Church if he takes a long-planned sabbatical without notifying his Progressive bishop. A Progressive priest does not abandon communion by converting to Islam. Such deep* and sagacious distinctions illustrate why Progressive bishops are bishops and you are not.

ABRAHAM: Husband of Sarah.

ACCEPTING: Approving; welcoming. “Unless you become more accepting, we cannot accept your presence.”

ACTION PLAN: Plan already doomed to inaction.

ADOPTIONISM: More bother than reproductive rights.

AFFIRMING: Accepting*; displaying cheerful tolerance*.

AFFIRMING CATHOLICISM: Progressive theology in High Church garb; smells, bells, and birettas untainted by catholic theology.

ALPHA COURSE: Orthodox recruiting device. “Alpha lets you explore the Christian faith in a relaxed setting.”

ALTERNATIVE EPISCOPAL OVERSIGHT: Arrangement by which a congregation claiming it cannot in good conscience accept the authority of its own diocesan bishop comes under the authority of another bishop; subversive alternative to DEPO*; step towards local schism. See also Donatism (2).

ALTERNATIVE PRIMATIAL OVERSIGHT: Step towards regional schism. “The Diocese of Pittsburgh, dismayed by the theology of Presiding Bishop Katherine Jefferts Schori, has requested alternative primatial oversight.”

AMENDMENT OF LIFE: Forsaking “sin” (1)*; reforming your ways. “Having repented of my sin, I firmly intend amendment of life.” Superseded by baptismal covenant (2)*.

AMERICAN ANGLICAN COUNCIL: Nexus of Orthodox Conspiracy.

ANALYZE: To “think about anything for more than a few minutes” (Tony Proscio).

ANGLICAN CHURCH OF CANADA: Second most enlightened member church of the Anglican Communion.

ANGLICAN COMMUNION NETWORK: Schismatic cult allied with Orthodox Conspiracy; synod of discontent.

ANGLICAN COVENANT, PROPOSED: Hurtful* exclusion* device sought by Orthodox Conspiracy and its Global South* allies to subvert the autonomy* and polity* of the Episcopal Church; yoke of bondage. See also Curia; Inquisition.

ANGLICAN SECRETARIAT: Facilitates inter-Anglican cooperation: e.g., by providing staff support for the Archbishop of Canterbury, Anglican Consultative Council, Primates’* Meeting, and Lambeth Consultation. Administered by a secretary general who reports to the Archbishop of Canterbury and always comes from among well-connected Progressive clergy in wealthy, enlightened English-speaking countries. Priceless resource for Progressive Anglicanism.

ANGLO-CATHOLIC (increasingly rare): High Church reactionary.

APOLOGETICS: Apologizing for all that is wrong with Christianity. “Bishop Grobble has taken apologetics to a new level: begging Al-Qaida’s forgiveness for the Catholic Reconquest of Spain.”

ATONEMENT:

(1) Traditionally, “the reconciliation of God and humankind through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ” (Merriam Webster).

(2) For radical progressives, a pernicious doctrine of “cosmic child abuse,” in which “God murder[s] his son for the salvation of the world” (Giles Fraser).

AUTHENTIC: In the case of women, persons of non-European ancestry, and sexual minorities, fidelity to the outlooks and ideologies prescribed for their group: respectively, militant feminism, militant separatism, and militant militancy. “In shouting ‘Coitus is punishment!’ Andrea Dworkin offers an authentic voice* of feminist rage. See also Identity.

AUTONOMY: Freedom from any non-P.C.* constraint. “To preserve its integrity, the Episcopal Church must zealously maintain its autonomy.”

BAPTISMAL COVENANT

(1) Traditionally, the covenant made at baptism by which we repent, renounce sin, accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and become members of Christ, redeemed by his atoning sacrifice. “Obdurate sin grieves the Holy Spirit and violates our baptismal covenant.”

(2) For Progressives, two related ideas: that baptism irrevocably confers good standing in the church so neither “sinful” conduct nor heterodox belief disqualifies any baptized person from holding church office; and that baptized persons need little trouble themselves about “sin”*, repentance*, or amendment of life*. “A moratorium on ordaining noncelibate homosexuals would betray our baptismal covenant.”

BARGAIN WITH GOD: To balance God’s will with our own needs.

BASH

(1) “To strike with a heavy, crushing blow” (American Heritage Dictionary); “to injure or damage by striking” (Merriam-Webster).

(2) To criticize. “Orthodox bloggers bashed the new Presiding Bishop for her ‘Mother Jesus’ sermon.” See also Demonize; Hurtful; Insensitive; Offensive; Pejorative Labeling; Safe Place, Tolerate; Verbal Violence.

(3) Expenses-paid trip to church convention.

BEYOND INCLUSION: Quotas; speech codes. “We must now go beyond inclusion to give the pyromaniac community* a truly warm welcome*.”

BIBLE: Collection of ancient patriarchal texts available for reinterpretation, contextualization, deconstruction, ridicule, and selective use. Subordinate to canons (2)*.

BIBLIOLATRY: Worship of the Bible*; believing that the Bible has greater authority than the Constitution and Canons (2)* of the Episcopal Church. “If we exalt scripture as the supreme, preemptive authority, we may well be guilty of bibliolatry” (D.C.).

BISHOP

(1) If Orthodox, kindly figurehead; pastor to diocesan clergy; first among clerical equals.

(2) If Progressive, God’s Vice-Regent; S/he Who Must Be Obeyed.

BOUNDARY CROSSING: Performing episcopal acts, such as confirmations and ordinations, in the territory of another bishop without that bishop’s permission; unpardonable sin. “According to Bishop Howard, the Ugandan bishop improperly crossed diocesan boundaries by confirming 15 persons at a new Anglican church in Jacksonville.”

BOX: Container into which the Orthodox put God. “If you stake the gospel on Christ’s bodily Resurrection*, you put God in a very small box.” Because Progressive reason is liberating*, Progressive beliefs do not similarly confine God.

BOY: Small, disruptive, potentially patriarchal human in need of domestication.

CANON

(1) Set of ancient writings traditionally referred to as the Bible*: “the canon of scripture.”

(2) Corporate bylaws of the Episcopal Church; living scripture. “The Constitution and Canons of the Episcopal Church are the supreme authority for our common faith and life.”

(3) In reference to Progressive clergy, priests affiliated with a cathedral and freed from the tedium of parish ministry. “The Reverend Mercedes Moonbeam-McGillicuddy is Canon Missioner for Diversity Curriculum Coordination and New Age Awareness.”

CHANCELLOR: Chief legal officer of the Episcopal Church or its dioceses. (David Booth Beers is Chancellor of the Episcopal Church, and don’t you forget it.) The Chancellor provides the legal interpretations needed by Progressive church leaders and makes examples of clergy and vestries who attempt to make off with parish property. See also Parliamentarian.

CHARITY: Money or property given to others so as to make them feel bad. “We don’t take charity.”

CHEAP GRACE: Grace* without repentance*. Derogatory term borrowed from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a well-known citizen of Nazi Germany, and now used to deride the theology and practice of the baptismal covenant (2)*. In his book, The Cost of Discipleship (1937), Bonhoeffer defined cheap grace as “the grace we bestow on ourselves,” manifested in “the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance” and “baptism without church discipline.” Bonhoeffer claims that cheap grace “amounts to the justification of sin without the justification of the repentant sinner who departs from sin and from whom sins departs.”

CHICKEN DINNER: Cheap, reduced-fat form of bribery, alleged to work magic on poor-country clerics. “According to well-placed Progressive sources, the American Anglican Council plans to woo Global South primates* with bounteous chicken dinners.”

CLINICAL PASTORAL EDUCATION: Assigning a seminarian to an emergency room, nursing home, hospice, or other place of acute human need to provide value-neutral, answer-free spiritual counsel. “My clinical pastoral education taught me not to offer easy comfort to bereaved families but to give them space to discover for themselves the meaning of their suffering.”

COMMUNITY: “Any group of people with anything in common” (Proscio), particularly an oppressed minority group: “the pedestrian community”; “the pyromaniac community.”

CONFESSION: Superseded by baptismal covenant (2)*.

CONSULT: To ask for others’ opinions as a mark of inclusion and respect, without necessarily planning to listen.

CONTEXT: Background facts we invoke to neutralize or liberate* unhelpful* parts of the Bible. “We must take Christ’s rejection of ‘immorality’ in the context of first century cult prostitution.” See also Lectionary.

CONVERSATION: Playing the Progressives’ game by the Progressives’ rules. If you are Orthodox, you cannot have a satisfactory “conversation” with Progressives unless you discuss their agenda on their terms, using their language and working towards their conclusions. Come, let us reason together!

COUNCIL OF NICEA, FIRST: Church council held in 325 C.E. Prohibited boundary-crossing*.

CREED: What we say after the sermon.

CHURCH GROWTH CONSULTANT: Explains why your congregation does well by shrinking more slowly than others.

CURIA: Possible result of Anglican Covenant*.


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Comments:

Oh dear, Irenaeus.

This. Is. Priceless.

I have giggled out loud, cackled, laughed, snorted, laughed again .  . . how on earth did you ever do this?

I really believe that you have reached a pinnacle hitherto unmatched in the annals of StandFirm.

And what I can’t figure out is how you could do this, as you are also a proclaimed political liberal.  This has all of my old grad-school postmodernism too!

For this Mighty Deed, I would like for SF to cast a new medal-of-honor.  You have earned it.  I really believe that you are my #1 Most Favorite Reasserting Democrat/Political Liberal Episcopalian/Anglican.

I am shaking my head in wonder and awe.

This has made my day.

[1] Posted by Sarah on 08-06-2007 at 08:31 AM • top

Methinks Irenaeus has found his calling as the Ambrose Bierce ( http://www.online-literature.com/bierce/ ) of the Anglican Communion.  You might want to borrow one from Bierce (a word often used to refer to orthodox episcopalians)-

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

One is tempted to note that the entry for “Archbishop of Canterbury” seems to be missing.  Might one suggest:
“High Anglican cleric, first among *equals of the Primates of the Communion, overall fourth most important person in the *AC, after (in order) the Chancellor, HoD President, and PB of the Episcopal church. Due to his high standing among the lesser provinces, occasionally allowed by 815 to sabbatical in the US, so long as he remains at the beck and call of the HoB.”

*Anglican Communion (AC): A loose grouping of completely autonomous and independent national churches who would never think to establish churches in one another’s territory.  The mission of the Episcopal church is to bring this group of churches into the 22nd century by whatever means necessary.

*equals: those provinces who have not yet reached the superior status of the Episcopal chuch.

[2] Posted by tjmcmahon on 08-06-2007 at 08:34 AM • top

I don’t know which is funnier—what it does say or what it doesn’t say.

[3] Posted by Jill Woodliff on 08-06-2007 at 08:35 AM • top

I think my favorite is the definition of “bishop” . . .

Heh.

[4] Posted by Sarah on 08-06-2007 at 08:38 AM • top

Very good!

But don’t forget “ASSHAT”, which I believe is a name progressives give to someone who they cannot defeat in an argument involving reason or logic, as in:

Greg, if anyone ever wondered if you were a first class asshat, you have certainly cleared up any confusion on that matter. - Fr. Jake (Rev. Terry Martin)

[5] Posted by DietofWorms on 08-06-2007 at 08:53 AM • top

Ah!  Dr. Johnson, I presume? 
By their lexicographical circumlocutions shall you know them.

[6] Posted by Pageantmaster ن on 08-06-2007 at 09:02 AM • top

Alt.
BOY: Small, disruptive, potentially patriarchal human in need of emasculation.

[7] Posted by Pageantmaster ن on 08-06-2007 at 09:05 AM • top

This is absolutely top notch.

[8] Posted by Unsubscribe on 08-06-2007 at 09:11 AM • top

This is hilarious. I’m ROFL and I haven’t even gotten past the B’s. When can we expect the rest?

the outsnarked snarkster

[9] Posted by the snarkster on 08-06-2007 at 09:11 AM • top

I believe that Jackie will be posting them daily.

We can expect a full week of learning this new language, thanks to Irenaeus.

[10] Posted by Sarah on 08-06-2007 at 09:14 AM • top

This is absolutely priceless!

[11] Posted by aterry on 08-06-2007 at 09:49 AM • top

This sure beats the Episcobabble from another site two years ago.

[12] Posted by Fr. Chip, SF on 08-06-2007 at 09:58 AM • top

My fave: 

ACCEPTING: Approving; welcoming. “Unless you become more accepting, we cannot accept your presence.”

That is so freakin’ true!

[13] Posted by Truth Unites... and Divides on 08-06-2007 at 10:28 AM • top

I like:
APOLOGETICS: Apologizing for all that is wrong with Christianity. “Bishop Grobble has taken apologetics to a new level: begging Al-Qaida’s forgiveness for the Catholic Reconquest of Spain.”

But I’m still in the A’s.  Hurry, lunch break!

[14] Posted by oscewicee on 08-06-2007 at 10:36 AM • top

Outstanding, Irenaeus.  Lewis Carroll and George Orwell come to mind.

I love this one:  “CONSULT: To ask for others’ opinions as a mark of inclusion and respect, without necessarily planning to listen.”  Yes!

[15] Posted by Katherine on 08-06-2007 at 10:40 AM • top

It is unfair that we will have to wait days, or maybe weeks, to discover what “theology” “veneration” and “sacred” really mean.  I do think we should pass a “Stand Firm canon” requiring that this book be finished before the HoB meets in September, as we will be required to translate vast amounts of Episcobabble on a daily basis during that meeting.

[16] Posted by tjmcmahon on 08-06-2007 at 10:54 AM • top

BTW Irenaeus, I do love seeing a political liberal skewering, satirizing, mocking, and parodying AngloLiberal Speak.

It’s more intellectually delicious when it comes from an insider.  Yum!

[17] Posted by Truth Unites... and Divides on 08-06-2007 at 10:57 AM • top

The sad thing is this dictionary would actually be helpful for cradle Episcopalians (like members of my family) who have no clue what’s going on with their church.

[18] Posted by Poppy B on 08-06-2007 at 11:00 AM • top

BOX: Container into which the Orthodox put God. “If you stake the gospel on Christ’s bodily Resurrection*, you put God in a very small box.” Because Progressive reason is liberating*, Progressive beliefs do not similarly confine God.

How small a box is the one that won’t let God act in our world, that denies anything not demonstrably in the realm of natural law (i.e, miracles, resurrection and life everlasting). Someone should ask the PB if she has God in such a large box or if she’s made him so infinitesimally small that he will fit anywhere.

I think Irenaeus’ dictionary should be available in a pamphlet form for ready use wherever we happen to be. This is excellent, excellent stuff. My current favorite definition is the one for “conversation” - but it’s hard to choose!

[19] Posted by oscewicee on 08-06-2007 at 11:35 AM • top

Irenaeus ,this is great.  I too thought of Ambrose Bierce.  I am also reminded of Florence King.  Her ” Wasp, Where Is Thy Sting?” has some of the funniest analysis of the Episcopal Church high and low I have ever read.

[20] Posted by Paula Loughlin on 08-06-2007 at 11:54 AM • top

Definitely though, it’s about time the loaded, inane terms ‘Box’ and ‘Bibliolatry’ terms were debunked.
But…no entry for ‘Clown Eucharist’? downer

[21] Posted by SpongJohn SquarePantheist on 08-06-2007 at 11:59 AM • top

Irenaueus,
Sir,I bow before your greatness.
Makes me think of what might if the National Lampoon was writing Episcopal theology and polity,as if they’re not already doing the church leadership already.

[22] Posted by paddy c on 08-06-2007 at 12:05 PM • top

Fear not, tjmcmahon… A new section of the dictionary will be rolled out every day this week, wrapping up on Friday.

[23] Posted by Greg Griffith on 08-06-2007 at 12:09 PM • top

Amazing!  Dynamite!  A Must Read!

Seriously, this absolutely MUST be publsihed.  Call Zondervan, Eerdmans, Baker, InverVarsity!  One of them!

[24] Posted by DaveW on 08-06-2007 at 12:10 PM • top

Question: What do you call the Revisionist Dictionary Part 1?
Answer: A good start.

[25] Posted by Undergroundpewster on 08-06-2007 at 12:13 PM • top

Definition of Hate Speech:  The Revisionist Dictionary by Irenaeus as published on the Stand Firm in Faith blog.

wink

[26] Posted by Truth Unites... and Divides on 08-06-2007 at 12:16 PM • top

He’s equally delightful in person. It was a genuine treat dining with him on Saturday night.

Back on topic, “Conversation’ is a particularly lovely definition. But kudos on the whole list! I’m looking forward to the entire list.

[27] Posted by Matthew A (formerly mousestalker) on 08-06-2007 at 12:16 PM • top

Brilliant.  I’m looking forward to the entries for “John, Elton” and “Truth, pluriform”.

Cheers,

Phil Hobbs

[28] Posted by gone on 08-06-2007 at 12:18 PM • top

what a wonderful mid-afternoon pick up.
thanks Irenaeus; i look forward to the rest.

[29] Posted by southernvirginia1 on 08-06-2007 at 01:25 PM • top

Positively priceless, Irenaeus!  Bravo!

[30] Posted by Horseman on 08-06-2007 at 01:38 PM • top

As a fellow “Reasserting Democrat/Political Liberal Episcopalian/Anglican,” I am most offended . . . that I didn’t think of this first.  Kudos, Irenaeus. Well done.

[31] Posted by William Witt on 08-06-2007 at 01:39 PM • top

WARNING !!!
Do not print this out with the plan to read it as your drink your coffee.
You will be choking and laughing and make a mess.

[32] Posted by Deja Vu on 08-06-2007 at 01:58 PM • top

In his 21st Century update to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary, John Darbyshire provides the following helpful definition:

Episcopal Church of the U.S.A., n. A dating service for homosexuals, funded mainly by revenues from ownership of real estate in New York City.

(From the 29 September 03 print issue of National Review, p. 28, “From Activist to Warmonger: A handy glossary from Lucifer’s latest lexicographer”)

[33] Posted by VaAnglican on 08-06-2007 at 02:39 PM • top

Irenaeus

Been waiting expectantly for this and it’s even better than anticipated.
I hope that the finished product will be given a place of prominence on SFIF so that we may access it and maybe even print it out as needed. Even better, it would be nice if SFIF could publish it in pamphlet form for which, I suspect, many of us would be willing to pay a reasonable price with the proceeds going to StandFirm.

Great job!!! Great humor!!! Great satire!!!

Thanks!!!

[34] Posted by Forgiven on 08-06-2007 at 02:57 PM • top

SBSP,

You must remember, this is the Revisionist’s dictionary.  They do not need to have the Clown Eucharist explained , they do it every Sunday, somewhere.

[35] Posted by Fr. Chip, SF on 08-06-2007 at 03:36 PM • top

“CONVERSATION: Playing the Progressives’ game by the Progressives’ rules. If you are Orthodox, you cannot have a satisfactory “conversation” with Progressives unless you discuss their agenda on their terms, using their language and working towards their conclusions. Come, let us reason together!”

    Oh, I wish I could pick a favorite!  But in reality of the New Millenia, i.e. perception is reality, this has got to be one of the most profound statements ever written.
    I hear sermons being preached for the next year starting with “A”.
    Bravo!

[36] Posted by Friar-Tuck on 08-06-2007 at 03:50 PM • top

I so appreciate you doing this, Irenaeus creating and Jackie posting. I keep reading these two, because I know this is a big part of the problem for me. It is so terrible and funny:

AMENDMENT OF LIFE: Forsaking “sin” (1)*; reforming your ways. “Having repented of my sin, I firmly intend amendment of life.” Superseded by baptismal covenant (2)*.
BAPTISMAL COVENANT
(1) Traditionally, the covenant made at baptism by which we repent, renounce sin, accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and become members of Christ, redeemed by his atoning sacrifice. “Obdurate sin grieves the Holy Spirit and violates our baptismal covenant.”
(2) For Progressives, two related ideas: that baptism irrevocably confers good standing in the church so neither “sinful” conduct nor heterodox belief disqualifies any baptized person from holding church office; and that baptized persons need little trouble themselves about “sin”*, repentance*, or amendment of life*. “A moratorium on ordaining noncelibate homosexuals would betray our baptismal covenant.”

[37] Posted by Deja Vu on 08-06-2007 at 04:02 PM • top

Poppy B

Careful what you say about cradle Episcopalians, as I am one and I am now 81 years old.  I remember my Boy’s Choir years and then getting to be cross bearer.  My old church is the Church of the Good Shepard in Jacksonville Florida.  And I knew Bishop Jecko well.

[38] Posted by CradleEpisc on 08-06-2007 at 05:31 PM • top

Conservative Fundamentalist Literalists are soooooo Mean. Y’all are so sarcastic, mean-spirited, harsh, and legalistic mockers and scoffers of all the good things we’re trying to do in the Episcopal Church. Why are you so cynical and skeptical of the boundless love of Jesus Christ that we’re sharing with everyone though our Millenium Development Goals?

And what have you ever done?  Instead of trying to tear us progressive Christians down all the time for trying to make the world a better place and for loving all of God’s people, why don’t you simply try showing a little bit more charity and grace instead of your harsh Pharasaic judgmentalism?

Bwaaah-waaa-waaaa.  You’re so offensive with this dictionary!  You hurt my feelings.  Irenaeus, unless you become more accepting, we cannot accept your presence in TEC

P.S.  Can’t wait to see the definition for “The Listening Process”.

[39] Posted by Truth Unites... and Divides on 08-06-2007 at 05:44 PM • top

I love it!!!! I would be the first in line to buy a published copy of this….whatta say Irenaeus? It has Bestseller all over it for humor.
Thanks so much!
ODC

[40] Posted by TLDillon on 08-06-2007 at 06:04 PM • top

It has Bestseller all over it for humor.

Wait a minute!  If this gets turned into a book, then all revenues must go to either (A) TEC’s Legal Litigation Fund or (B)  Millenium Development Goals.

[41] Posted by Truth Unites... and Divides on 08-06-2007 at 06:10 PM • top

Others (?)...

39 Articles:

1)  According to Darkly Calvinistic Reasserters, this is a document like the Westminister Confession of Faith, only more confess-able. 
2)  (Modern usage)  An obsolete form of Via Media.  Supplanted by The New Thing, that is neither Reformed nor Roman Catholic, but definitely still Via Media. 

Reformed:

1)  A journey, not a destination.
2)  (Obsolete)  Calvinistic.  See Calvin.  Also see Darkly Calvinistic.
3)  (Obsolete)  Something about works-righteousness, or dirty-rags, or something like that.  I dunno.  Words like this just hurt my head.  Say, what’s for dinner?

Calvin:

Like, some dude, or maybe a babe, who lived a long time ago.  I think I heard her or his name once before.  Waitaminute - I think that’s where my kid (...eh…) from my third marriage goes to college.  Yeah.  That’s it.  Calvin is a college. 

Darkly Calvinistic. 

1)  (Soteriology):  The outrageous belief that man needs to assist God in working out her salvation;
2)  (Soteriology):  The even more outrageous belief that man can do nothing in working out her own salvation;
3)  A logo used on those little cans of deviled ham. 

Calvinistic:

1)  (referring to Reasserters) Evil
2)  (referring to dissent) Good. 
3)  Heretical theology in two ways (at least):
- its assertion of the existence of heresy;
- its assertion that feeding the poor won’t win our salvation from an unpopulated hell. 
4)  See Darkly Calvinistic. 

Hell:

1)  Where Fundamentalists go, when the die. 
2)  A place that is real, but apparently serves no purpose, since no one lives there. 

Arminius:
A follower of John Calvin.  Like, he also taught at Calvin College.  See Arminian.

Arminian:
A citizen of a country that is close to Greece.

[42] Posted by J Eppinga on 08-06-2007 at 07:03 PM • top

From the Dividing Line (IIRC): Hypercalvinist: James White after 3 cups of coffee.

[43] Posted by SpongJohn SquarePantheist on 08-06-2007 at 08:46 PM • top

This is brilliant.

I am looking forward to reading the entries on ‘polity’ and ‘spiritual violence’.

Keep up the good work, Irenaeus!

[44] Posted by Derek Smith on 08-06-2007 at 09:08 PM • top

Hear, hear!
Shalom be upon you, Irenaeus, and fudge in abundance!
May your walk with post-Darwinian nonsense be filled with exciting interfaith possibilities!

[45] Posted by SpongJohn SquarePantheist on 08-06-2007 at 09:44 PM • top

I wonder if the State of Alabama would let me get ASSHAT as a vanity plate…probably not but it’s good to know what category I fall into.
This reminds me of early Saturday Night Live or National Lampoon, brutally honest and spot on. Thank you so much for a bit of levity in the midst of so much angst. WELL DONE!

[46] Posted by birminghamer on 08-06-2007 at 10:58 PM • top

WARNING !!!
Do not print this out with the plan to read it as your drink your coffee.
You will be choking and laughing and make a mess.—Deja Vu

Really!  Some sort of warning really needs to be posted regarding the potential to seriously mess up your computer with breakfast foods and drinks if one reads this while eating in the morning.

Wonderful stuff.  I look forward to the daily installments of this fine piece.

Susan

[47] Posted by Summersnow on 08-07-2007 at 08:52 AM • top

Speaking as a proud progressive, I think this is great. I laughed much. Some of these are funny because they are, well, also very true.

I am tempted to launch a similar project—a conservative dictionary of Anglicana. I think a dictionary in parallel columns could do nicely.

For some time now, I’ve known I could count on StandFirm for news and commentary. I’ll now add humor to my list of reasons to visit you regularly.

Peace,
Scott

P.S. Let’s see, here’s a potential start:
Bible, Holy. n. A collection of books written under the power of the Holy Spirit. Factually true; doctrinally pure; essential guide for the Christian living today. The entire Bible must be followed rigorously (except for certain parts).

[48] Posted by Scott Gunn on 08-07-2007 at 10:32 PM • top

Re:Holy Bible:
In relation to the ‘some parts’,we posit a new canon to be observed forthwith in the churches and Bibles of TEC that 1 Cor.6:9-10 and Romans 1:18-32 as well as 1 Tim.1:10,when referring to GLBT behavior,were written with Invisible ink.
So it is written,so shall it be,invisible

[49] Posted by paddy c on 08-08-2007 at 10:56 AM • top

Ireneaus, I gotta say, I don’t know if this work needs to be shelved as comedy or a field guide. Ya done good!

r.e.

[50] Posted by Robert Easter on 08-08-2007 at 06:57 PM • top

This is very funny.  Personally, I would find it even funnier and not so sad if the definitions weren’t so accurate.

If you’re taking suggestions, I find that “Baptismal Covenant” is defined in practice as only the last phrase of the Baptismal Covenant (“respect the dignity of every human being”), which in turn is defined as believing that homosexual acts are not sinful.  I rarely hear “Baptismal Covenant” when it is not used with this meaning.

[51] Posted by Jason S on 08-09-2007 at 04:05 PM • top

I know that tensions build up to a point of needing release.  I have approved of the intelligent manner in which STAND FIRM has kept their postings and tried to keep the comentors from too much sarcasm. 

Having said this,  I am disappointed in STAND FIRM for posting the REVISIONIST DICTIONARY of terms.  I disapporve in the “fun, giggles, geehaws” and other expressions of glee that come across as ridicule, belittling and funny.

We are arriving at a very critical point in the life of the Orthodox Anglican Church in these United States and I hate to see anyone making “fun” of what is going on - or has gone on!

Surely, there are many who consider this innocent “fun.”  Personally, I am offended by the lack of respect for those who have labored to bring us to this point by being amused at any aspect of the struggle.  Thank you for letting me express my feelings of frustration.

jumpinj

[52] Posted by jumpinj on 08-13-2007 at 01:01 PM • top

lack of respect for those who have labored to bring us to this point

It is hard to tell what is a joke anymore.
Are you being sarcastic, calling for more respect for those who have labored to bring us to the point of the destruction of the Anglican Communion?

[53] Posted by Deja Vu on 08-13-2007 at 01:09 PM • top

DejaVu,  Had the same thought - it is difficult to know for sure if JJ meant that statement in jest.  <I:8-&  (person with tin foil hat and glasses, very confused, not knowing whether to laugh or not, but about to laugh anyway)

[54] Posted by Theodora on 08-13-2007 at 01:38 PM • top

Until this month, there was no objective, absolute truth which could both be known and defined. Thus, in their intelligence and
generosity, the enlightened liberal establishment have just published it for us to read, mark, inwardly digest. We must also affirm it, lest we face the consequences and reprisals of illiberal misconduct.

For far too long has transcendent truth been denied to us faithful Anglicans who maintained that we must rely on Scripture alone, using private interpretation, to arrive at truth ‘for us’. Finally those who taught there is no truth that transcends personal experience and private interpretation of Scripture have given us that for which our souls have ached, and for too long have been denied.

But for the Revisionists we’d have been forced to become Romanists! At least Revisionistic objectivists, unlike the Romanists, admit we can define truth today, based on an ‘enlightened reading of Scripture’, without deferring to Tradition.

[55] Posted by QuicunqueVult on 08-13-2007 at 02:16 PM • top

No sir, DejaVu.  And as an aside, I have no problem with collective nouns or pronouns !

Those were very serious thoughts expressed.  I am offended with the discriptive words USED IN JEST I’m sure.    I hope!.  jj

[56] Posted by jumpinj on 08-13-2007 at 04:07 PM • top

Oh. I get it. Jumpin Jack Flash—Sympathy for the ...
Five letters , Leader of the Worthy Opponents, rhymes with ....

[57] Posted by Deja Vu on 08-13-2007 at 04:11 PM • top

Yeah!  It’s back!!!

bb

[58] Posted by BabyBlue on 01-19-2009 at 04:07 PM • top

If we can’t laugh a our problems and issues, we will explode!  I have already read three or four definitions to friends who can look up the rest themselves.  It would be a real temptation to wait till all parts are in, print, and mail to several revisionist bishops I know!  Ah, well, Donna… don’t waste a tree!

[59] Posted by Goughdonna on 01-19-2009 at 04:34 PM • top

I roared. This is good stuff.

So - What would the title of this useful handbook (hopefully soon to be published by Stand Firm) be?  Suggestions?

Whatever the title, if you print it, I want to buy one.  I think this has the makings of a good fund raiser for SFIF

I also await the latest definition of “EFM”

[60] Posted by doogal123 on 01-19-2009 at 05:12 PM • top

If you print it they will come, and buy!

[61] Posted by Old Soldier on 01-19-2009 at 08:57 PM • top

How about: Postmodernism - the complete application of the “I’m OK You’re OK” philosophy to moral theology.

[62] Posted by Adam 12 on 01-19-2009 at 10:09 PM • top

My hope is that Irenaeus will be inspired to add new definitions.

If so, I would recommend revisionist definitions of the words “smear,” “attack,” and “hateful.”

; > )

[63] Posted by Sarah on 01-19-2009 at 10:33 PM • top

Emissions redefined would be helpful.
Intercessor

[64] Posted by Intercessor on 01-19-2009 at 10:36 PM • top

Ah, good, something to keep us amused until the Primate’s Meeting.  I do believe one has been omitted however.

ANGLICAN COMMUNION:
Various real estate and personal property held by local churches like England and Nigeria in trust for the Episcopal Church and such use or sale as TEC deems appropriate.

[65] Posted by tjmcmahon on 01-19-2009 at 11:14 PM • top

Tj,
Your post got me to thinking…..scary I know! However, what would happen if say one of TEc’s churches over seas decides to disassociate from TEc…...who would get the property and buildings in that foreign country?

[66] Posted by TLDillon on 01-19-2009 at 11:24 PM • top

ODC- I am sure it would depend on local law, who actually owns the real estate, all that sort of thing.  Kinda like here, but the legal fees will be more reasonable.
  I think the real fun will start when some progressive parish in Britain declares itself out of the CoE and asks for oversight from TEC or Wales.  Remember, you read it here first….

[67] Posted by tjmcmahon on 01-19-2009 at 11:31 PM • top

Hey, it could happen!

[68] Posted by Cennydd on 01-20-2009 at 12:32 AM • top

And Irenaeus, I chortled ‘til my sides hurt!

[69] Posted by Cennydd on 01-20-2009 at 12:40 AM • top

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